I’m a recreational golfer.
I dabble at the sport because (a) it’s a nice change of pace from the usuals (basketball, baseball and tennis); (b) my best friend gave me some hand-me-down clubs and God forbid I let them collect dust, like I do the antique that is my Playstation 2; and (c) Mama Hoff’s parents are very good golfers – my grandma has a handful of hole-in-ones to her name and Stan the Man (or my grandpa, if you didn’t read my Tiger Woods article) ran the sport for so long that he ultimately needed both of his rotator cuffs surgically replaced – so I assumed I would inherit at least an eighth of their golfing genes, like I’ve inherited my grandma’s good looks and my grandpa’s OCD.
(What, I’m not good-looking?)
Well, you know what they say when you assume: It makes a semi-athletic white boy think he’s the second coming of Tiger Woods when, in reality, he’s no better than the homeless guy who’s been standing at the same freeway exit for the past 12 years, holding his “Don’t Reach for Your Wallet – All I Want Is a Cold Beer and a Pack of Cigarettes” sign.
I think it’s safe to say I’m not the only one who wishes they would’ve inherited an elder’s gene or skill. But since we are talking about me, I’ll give you a perfect example: Stan the Man can strike up a conversation with a twenty-something-year-old hottie as if he (a) was also in his twenties and (b) looks like Regis Philbin. Oh wait, he does. Still, why wasn’t that skill passed down to me? More importantly, why doesn’t he strike up those conversations for me? Hey there, why is a mighty fine girl like you working at this hole-in-the-wall? By the way, have you met my charming, handsome, 100-percent single grandson? (Grandpa, I know you’re reading this – I’m waiting for an answer.)
What’s more, how sweet would it be to magically inherit any professional athlete’s gene or skill? I’m glad you asked, because my thinking cap that doubles as an “imagination generating” device is on and ready to roll:
Terrell Owens – Terrell Owens is an incredible athlete. He has a body that rivals the European sculpture David. His combination of height, speed and strength gives him an automatic advantage against any defensive back. He’s a big-game receiver with the confidence level that exceeds the Danish population as a whole. (Danes are said to be the most confident people in the world). But the dude is more immature than a third grader who uses the “You started it!” excuse after every altercation. There’s a reason he wore out his welcome in San Francisco, made enemies with Donovan McNabb – one of the most likeable guys in the league – in less than two years as an Eagle and was more detrimental than supplemental to Tony Romo’s career (and thus, the Cowboys’ overall success). Dare we mention Terrell’s 2006 suicide attempt or completely ridiculous reality show? Nonetheless, he was able to find another home during the offseason, this time with the Buffalo Bills. Wouldn’t you love to inherit T.O.’s ability to find a highly-lucrative job when (a) you’ve burned all your reference bridges, (b) you have to write on your application “fired” or “let go” where it asks “Reason for leaving” your previous employment opportunities and (c) you put the self in selfish?
Wilt Chamberlain – As far as basketball is concerned, Wilt Chamberlain is renowned for his 100-point single-game effort during the 1961-62 NBA season. But off the court, Wilt the Stilt is notorious for alleging he slept with 20,000 women during his 63-year existence. 20,000!!! Let’s say Chamberlain started getting down and dirty at the young age of 12 and concluded his sexual sweepstakes a few days before he died. I’m no math major, but that would mean Wilt averaged one woman per day during those 50-plus years. Even if he slept with a tenth of the amount he alleged, that still has to be some sort of record. For the male readers, wouldn’t you love to inherit Wilt’s womanizing gene? For the female ones, how many of you were part of that 20,000?
Babe Ruth – Rumor has it that Babe Ruth played a myriad of games hung-over. And it wasn’t from the sugar in apple cider. Even so, he concluded his playing days with numbers that make Jenny Craig clients appear anorexic. His career stats include a .690 slugging percentage (first all-time), 2,217 RBI (second all-time), a .474 on-base percentage (second all-time), 2,062 walks (second all-time), 714 home runs (third all-time) and a .342 batting average (10th all-time). The former Yankee Stadium came to be known as “The House That Ruth Built” and in 1999, the Associated Press named him Athlete of the Century. Wouldn’t you love to inherit the Great Bambino’s ability to go down as one of the most successful people to ever partake in any given industry while sporadically being hung-over on the job?
Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at jhoffmedia@gmail.com.
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