The Feminine Side of Sports

[To be published in the October issue of College Cliq Magazine]

Sports analogies are like trips to third-world countries: They always put things in perspective.

At least for simple-minded sports aficionados like me who would rather watch a Lakers playoff game than hang out with a good-looking girl over a home-cooked meal and a movie that is bound to be left unwatched.

For many guys, sports and girls are just as important as food and water. For others, they’re the next-best essentials. Regardless, who would’ve thought the two had any kind of connection aside from the LPGA Tour and WNBA?

Below are six satirical expressions that will surely elevate the connection between sports and girls to hellacious heights.

The Cubby – The Chicago Cubs haven’t won a championship in 100 years – not only the longest drought in Major League Baseball, but in all of North American sports – and it’s not even a “so close yet so far” struggle: Their last Fall Classic appearance came in 1945. If you put the World Series in sexual terms, the Cubbies make Steve Carell’s character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin look like a full-scale pimp. Thus, when you find yourself in a beyond-believable sex slump, you’re suffering from The Cubby.

The Miracle – This refers to the “Miracle on Ice” – when the U.S. men’s hockey team pulled off an upset for the ages by defeating the Soviet Union in the 1980 Olympic semifinals. The seventh-seeded Americans were composed of inexperienced college kids, while the top-ranked Soviets were the defending gold medalists and unquestionable favorite. That’s why, when you rabidly exceed everyone’s expectations by hooking up with a girl far from your norm – ultimately invoking the “How the hell did you do that?!” question – you’ve achieved The Miracle.

The Brett Favre – If Elvis Presley is the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll then Brett Favre is the King of Comebacks. Now in the second stage of his return from retirement, this story-turned-soap-opera overwhelmingly embodies the Strokes’ song, “The End Has No End”. Favre went from a Packers legend to a Jets quick-fix to the latest of all, a Vikings upgrade. So when your relationship appears to be never-ending – you know, when break-up sex ceaselessly succumbs to make-up sex – you’re engulfed in The Brett Favre.

The Len Bias – Len Bias was the second overall pick taken by the Boston Celtics in the 1986 NBA Draft. The former ACC Player of the Year and likely future of the already-prestigious franchise, Bias was all but walking on water. However, less than 24 hours after being selected by his dream team, bad fortune bit Bias: He overdosed on cocaine, and that was it. Hence, when you make the dumbest of all mistakes in a promising relationship that ends up costing you the “what could have been” – like the time my buddy created a fake MySpace in an attempt to make his girlfriend jealous, which later backfired because she dumped him after he remorsefully admitted to it – you’ve undergone The Len Bias.

The Roger Clemens – Roger Clemens’ 4,672 strikeouts (third all-time), 354 wins (ninth all-time) and record-setting seven Cy Young Awards rightfully placed him into the “Best Pitchers to Ever Take the Mound” conversation. That is, until the Mitchell Report alleged that Clemens used steroids late in his career. The Rocket has incessantly denied those allegations and while he is still being investigated by the Justice Department for perjury, Clemens is certainly guilty as far as the Court of Public Opinion is concerned. Accordingly, when your significant other is relentlessly lying to you – and everyone and their mom knows it – you’ve been plagued by The Roger Clemens.

The Barry Bonds – In 2004 Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury he unknowingly took steroids. Therefore, it’s not really cheating, right? Just like when your significant other was too blacked-out to realize she took a stroll down Unfaithful Lane. She claimed she wasn’t actually being unfaithful because she was practically unconscious – “Baby, I had no idea I stuck my hands down his pants and left my thong dangling from his neck … I’m just as shocked as you!” – but in reality she was employing The Barry Bonds.

Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at jhoffmedia@gmail.com.