A Bully in Baseball

Remember that childhood bully, the one who unreservedly exercised their ability to torment those who were smaller, weaker and more vulnerable than Meg in Family Guy? Who never picked on anybody the size of them – not to mention somebody bigger and stronger – because that would ultimately convey their true character and competence?

If you need to refresh your memory, perhaps the 2009 Los Angeles Dodgers can provide some assistance.

Sure the Boys in Blue are tied for the top record in the National League and third-best in all of baseball, and sure they’re likely to eclipse the 90-win mark for just the sixth time in the last 22 seasons, but the Dodgers’ accomplishments thus far are as deceiving as Ferris Bueller.

After their June 25 triumph against the Marlins, the Dodgers were a season-high 27 games over .500. At that time, they had nine more victories than the Cardinals. At that time, Manny Ramirez had played in less than half of Los Angeles’ games (45 of 97) with mere totals of 11 home runs and 37 RBI – which was a good sign. At that time, the Blue Crew appeared as the favorite to represent the National League in the Fall Classic.

Fast-forward seven weeks later and the pretty picture that was once the dreaded Dodgers has been steadily smeared, looking more and more like a kindergarten collage, far from the Picasso painting that it previously portrayed.

Now, Los Angeles is only 16 games above .500. Now, those very same Cardinals have equaled the Dodgers in the win column. Now, Ramirez is still sobering up from his early-season suspension. (In 88 games, he’s belted just 18 homers and knocked in 55 runs.) Now, the Dodgers are barely in the same breath with every other World Series contender.

So what caused the Blue Crew’s blunder?

Was it injuries? To an extent, but then again almost every team gets bit by the injury bug at some point. Was it an overwhelming amount of away games? Considering the Dodgers have played once more on the road than they have at home since the aforementioned date, that would be as poor an excuse as turning down a date because “the man on TV told me to stay tuned.”

You see, Los Angeles has beaten up on mediocre teams – teams it is supposed to beat. Within the NL West, the Dodgers have taken care of business for the most part (41-21). But when they have been challenged by better ball-clubs, Los Doyers have typically succumbed to the pressure that resides with their inconsistent offense and lack of a true number-one starting pitcher. Against teams in the other NL divisions – both of which are debatably deeper – they are a combined 34-28. In particular, the Dodgers have struggled with the Cardinals and Phillies – whom are leading their respective divisions and have reliable number-one starters – which is evidenced by their 6-8 mark versus these two teams. To add insult to injury, the Dodgers posted almost two fewer runs per game than their regular season average in those 14 contests.

Sounds like that childhood bully, doesn’t it?

Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at jhoffmedia@gmail.com.

An Inheritance of Epic Proportions

I’m a recreational golfer.

I dabble at the sport because (a) it’s a nice change of pace from the usuals (basketball, baseball and tennis); (b) my best friend gave me some hand-me-down clubs and God forbid I let them collect dust, like I do the antique that is my Playstation 2; and (c) Mama Hoff’s parents are very good golfers – my grandma has a handful of hole-in-ones to her name and Stan the Man (or my grandpa, if you didn’t read my Tiger Woods article) ran the sport for so long that he ultimately needed both of his rotator cuffs surgically replaced – so I assumed I would inherit at least an eighth of their golfing genes, like I’ve inherited my grandma’s good looks and my grandpa’s OCD.

(What, I’m not good-looking?)

Well, you know what they say when you assume: It makes a semi-athletic white boy think he’s the second coming of Tiger Woods when, in reality, he’s no better than the homeless guy who’s been standing at the same freeway exit for the past 12 years, holding his “Don’t Reach for Your Wallet – All I Want Is a Cold Beer and a Pack of Cigarettes” sign.

I think it’s safe to say I’m not the only one who wishes they would’ve inherited an elder’s gene or skill. But since we are talking about me, I’ll give you a perfect example: Stan the Man can strike up a conversation with a twenty-something-year-old hottie as if he (a) was also in his twenties and (b) looks like Regis Philbin. Oh wait, he does. Still, why wasn’t that skill passed down to me? More importantly, why doesn’t he strike up those conversations for me? Hey there, why is a mighty fine girl like you working at this hole-in-the-wall? By the way, have you met my charming, handsome, 100-percent single grandson? (Grandpa, I know you’re reading this – I’m waiting for an answer.)

What’s more, how sweet would it be to magically inherit any professional athlete’s gene or skill? I’m glad you asked, because my thinking cap that doubles as an “imagination generating” device is on and ready to roll:

Terrell Owens – Terrell Owens is an incredible athlete. He has a body that rivals the European sculpture David. His combination of height, speed and strength gives him an automatic advantage against any defensive back. He’s a big-game receiver with the confidence level that exceeds the Danish population as a whole. (Danes are said to be the most confident people in the world). But the dude is more immature than a third grader who uses the “You started it!” excuse after every altercation. There’s a reason he wore out his welcome in San Francisco, made enemies with Donovan McNabb – one of the most likeable guys in the league – in less than two years as an Eagle and was more detrimental than supplemental to Tony Romo’s career (and thus, the Cowboys’ overall success). Dare we mention Terrell’s 2006 suicide attempt or completely ridiculous reality show? Nonetheless, he was able to find another home during the offseason, this time with the Buffalo Bills. Wouldn’t you love to inherit T.O.’s ability to find a highly-lucrative job when (a) you’ve burned all your reference bridges, (b) you have to write on your application “fired” or “let go” where it asks “Reason for leaving” your previous employment opportunities and (c) you put the self in selfish?

Wilt Chamberlain – As far as basketball is concerned, Wilt Chamberlain is renowned for his 100-point single-game effort during the 1961-62 NBA season. But off the court, Wilt the Stilt is notorious for alleging he slept with 20,000 women during his 63-year existence. 20,000!!! Let’s say Chamberlain started getting down and dirty at the young age of 12 and concluded his sexual sweepstakes a few days before he died. I’m no math major, but that would mean Wilt averaged one woman per day during those 50-plus years. Even if he slept with a tenth of the amount he alleged, that still has to be some sort of record. For the male readers, wouldn’t you love to inherit Wilt’s womanizing gene? For the female ones, how many of you were part of that 20,000?

Babe Ruth – Rumor has it that Babe Ruth played a myriad of games hung-over. And it wasn’t from the sugar in apple cider. Even so, he concluded his playing days with numbers that make Jenny Craig clients appear anorexic. His career stats include a .690 slugging percentage (first all-time), 2,217 RBI (second all-time), a .474 on-base percentage (second all-time), 2,062 walks (second all-time), 714 home runs (third all-time) and a .342 batting average (10th all-time). The former Yankee Stadium came to be known as “The House That Ruth Built” and in 1999, the Associated Press named him Athlete of the Century. Wouldn’t you love to inherit the Great Bambino’s ability to go down as one of the most successful people to ever partake in any given industry while sporadically being hung-over on the job?

Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at jhoffmedia@gmail.com.

The Feminine Side of Sports

[To be published in the October issue of College Cliq Magazine]

Sports analogies are like trips to third-world countries: They always put things in perspective.

At least for simple-minded sports aficionados like me who would rather watch a Lakers playoff game than hang out with a good-looking girl over a home-cooked meal and a movie that is bound to be left unwatched.

For many guys, sports and girls are just as important as food and water. For others, they’re the next-best essentials. Regardless, who would’ve thought the two had any kind of connection aside from the LPGA Tour and WNBA?

Below are six satirical expressions that will surely elevate the connection between sports and girls to hellacious heights.

The Cubby – The Chicago Cubs haven’t won a championship in 100 years – not only the longest drought in Major League Baseball, but in all of North American sports – and it’s not even a “so close yet so far” struggle: Their last Fall Classic appearance came in 1945. If you put the World Series in sexual terms, the Cubbies make Steve Carell’s character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin look like a full-scale pimp. Thus, when you find yourself in a beyond-believable sex slump, you’re suffering from The Cubby.

The Miracle – This refers to the “Miracle on Ice” – when the U.S. men’s hockey team pulled off an upset for the ages by defeating the Soviet Union in the 1980 Olympic semifinals. The seventh-seeded Americans were composed of inexperienced college kids, while the top-ranked Soviets were the defending gold medalists and unquestionable favorite. That’s why, when you rabidly exceed everyone’s expectations by hooking up with a girl far from your norm – ultimately invoking the “How the hell did you do that?!” question – you’ve achieved The Miracle.

The Brett Favre – If Elvis Presley is the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll then Brett Favre is the King of Comebacks. Now in the second stage of his return from retirement, this story-turned-soap-opera overwhelmingly embodies the Strokes’ song, “The End Has No End”. Favre went from a Packers legend to a Jets quick-fix to the latest of all, a Vikings upgrade. So when your relationship appears to be never-ending – you know, when break-up sex ceaselessly succumbs to make-up sex – you’re engulfed in The Brett Favre.

The Len Bias – Len Bias was the second overall pick taken by the Boston Celtics in the 1986 NBA Draft. The former ACC Player of the Year and likely future of the already-prestigious franchise, Bias was all but walking on water. However, less than 24 hours after being selected by his dream team, bad fortune bit Bias: He overdosed on cocaine, and that was it. Hence, when you make the dumbest of all mistakes in a promising relationship that ends up costing you the “what could have been” – like the time my buddy created a fake MySpace in an attempt to make his girlfriend jealous, which later backfired because she dumped him after he remorsefully admitted to it – you’ve undergone The Len Bias.

The Roger Clemens – Roger Clemens’ 4,672 strikeouts (third all-time), 354 wins (ninth all-time) and record-setting seven Cy Young Awards rightfully placed him into the “Best Pitchers to Ever Take the Mound” conversation. That is, until the Mitchell Report alleged that Clemens used steroids late in his career. The Rocket has incessantly denied those allegations and while he is still being investigated by the Justice Department for perjury, Clemens is certainly guilty as far as the Court of Public Opinion is concerned. Accordingly, when your significant other is relentlessly lying to you – and everyone and their mom knows it – you’ve been plagued by The Roger Clemens.

The Barry Bonds – In 2004 Barry Bonds told a federal grand jury he unknowingly took steroids. Therefore, it’s not really cheating, right? Just like when your significant other was too blacked-out to realize she took a stroll down Unfaithful Lane. She claimed she wasn’t actually being unfaithful because she was practically unconscious – “Baby, I had no idea I stuck my hands down his pants and left my thong dangling from his neck … I’m just as shocked as you!” – but in reality she was employing The Barry Bonds.

Josh Hoffman is a college junior working to become a sports journalist. You can contact him at jhoffmedia@gmail.com.